Hello, Reader!

In January, I announced a cadence of twice a month for these emails, but I'm already trying something else. We'll see how long it lasts. For at least February and March, you can expect a longer, monthly email from me. I'm trying to find a cadence that works for my life and provides you the value I want to deliver every time. Thanks for your patience as I figure these things out.

This month, I'm tackling the following topics:

• Online Dating and Dating Sunday
• Clear Communication in Dating
• A Word On Valentine's Day
• Books I Read in January
• Things I'm Looking Forward to in February

Online Dating and Dating Sunday

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Last month, we celebrated Dating Sunday. Well, celebrating may be a bit of a stretch. Dating Sunday was January 8, and it began the time of the year that dating apps record the highest usage, especially on Sunday’s. It’s just like the gym, except virtual and not exercise related.

So, how’s online dating going for you? And more specifically, you have determined an online dating process that works for you? If you struggle with feeling overwhelmed by online dating or if you are at a loss for how to get what you want from online dating, remember these (#) keys to online dating success:

1. You’re great! Online dating is not capable of validating that fact. So, be sure that dating apps are tool you’re using to meet good options for dating and NOT a system you’re using to try and validate the truth about yourself. It was never meant to be that, and it’s easier than you think to slip into using it that way.
2. Find a rhythm that works for you. It may feel like you have to be constantly on the apps to have any type of success, but that’s not true. Instead, identify when you have both time and energy regularly. This will determine when you want to check your app(s) for matches and conversations (once a day, every other day, you choose). You’re going to have to resist the all-or-nothing thoughts that say you have to be constantly on the apps or you’re going to miss the ONE person who would have been a great wife or husband. This just isn’t true.
3. Remember the goal of being on apps. Your goal for being on the apps is not to get married. It’s not to learn about a person completely. It is simply to get to a first date with someone you find interesting. Let that goal motivate how you interact. It starts with answering this question for yourself: What do I need to know about a person to confidently ask them out (or accept an invitation out)? Then let those things guide how you interact on the app. When you’ve learned enough to know a date is not what you want, instead of ghosting, say something like, “I don’t sense a romantic attraction, and I wish you the best in your journey.” When you learn enough to know you DO want a date, try something like, “I’m enjoying getting to know you, and I would love to meet up for coffee soon? Do you feel comfortable with that now our would you rather talk on the phone first?” You’re giving choices while making your intentions clear. And what if you don’t want to ask someone out? Try, “I am enjoying getting to know you better. It would be so fun to connect in real life.”

On Clear Communication in Dating (and Beyond)

Do you ever wonder why clear communication is so challenging? I do. All the time. It’s amazing to me how frequently people experience angst about saying what they mean with co-workers, friends, family. Or is the angst about how someone will feel about what they are saying? While my husband and I communicate well with each other, I still feel myself wanting to be cautious so as not to hurt his feelings in some situations. Part of that is a desire to be kind…not a bad desire. But this also reveals a need – increased confidence in what the relationship can handle. When I recognize this and remember, my memory is flooded with time after time I told him something I thought was hard and it was met with camaraderie. He turned toward me and our relationship and not away. And when I stop to remember, I’m more confident about letting my communication be clear in the future.

In every stage of a romantic relationship, growing your ability to communicate clearly is vital. So what might clear communication across the stages of relationship look like?

Dating (getting to know multiple people)

• Articulating that you don’t want to keep getting to know someone instead of ghosting. (“You seem like a cool person, but I don’t sense a romantic connection. I wish you well in your dating journey.”)
• Saying so if you don’t like a restaurant/date activity/ suggestion. (“I don’t like ___ kind of food, but I could go for ___ kind or __ kind.)
• Asking your values-revealing questions. (“My friends are such an important part of my life. Who’s your longest-held friend? Tell me about your friendship.” | “What do you love about your current church? What do you wish were a bit different?” | “Is your career your passion or do you find your passion somewhere else? Tell me about it?”)

Relationship (exclusively dating one person)

• Saying when you want something to be different in communication. (“I don’t really like texting throughout the day. I much prefer a conversation on the phone or video chat in between dates. What do you prefer? I’m interested in where we can meet in the middle.)
• Saying when how you were treated was displeasing. (“When you teased me in front of your family, I felt embarrassed and like I was fending for myself. I think you all just tease more than my family does. Can you tell me more about your family dynamic with teasing?”)

Engagement/Marriage

• Regularly leaning into the relationship and letting it grow stronger by directly addressing conflict.
• Creating a relationship culture of repair.
• Owning when you’re wrong by saying so, even when your partner doesn’t call out out first.

*I recognize that some of the things I put in one stage would benefit a relationship in another stage.

A Word on Valentine’s Day

Recently, on Instagram, I shared a few words on how we conceptualize Valentine’s Day and make it mean particular things about ourselves based on our relationship status. You can read that post here. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I wonder what you are feeling about the day, yourself, and your relationship status? I think it worth it to give you a few reminders.

If you are exactly where you want to be, let yourself be happy and celebrate!

This may apply to you because you’ve found the love you’ve been longing for. If so, congratulations! I hope you and your partner agree on how you want to celebrate your love and have a good time!

This may also apply to you if you are not in a romantic relationship. The overemphasis on romantic love for life satisfaction found throughout our culture will have you thinking you’re not actually happy when you are. Take beat to get quiet with yourself and ask if you’re happy with how things are right now. And if you are, let yourself be happy. Unabashedly so! Because liking your life is such a gift! Enjoy that gift!

If you want things to be different than they currently are:

1. Note what you want to be different, and let’s make a plan. I think, with some adjustments to your behaviors and mindset, you could have a boyfriend or girlfriend in a year. Why? Because there are SO MANY amazing people in the world, you’re terrific, and you can adjust your behaviors and mindset. Will it be easy? I’m not sure. Is it possible? ABSOLUTELY. If that is something you want, reply to this email, and let’s start a conversation about what can be adjusted.
2. Identify something you would LOVE to do (alone or with friends), and do it. Sometimes, I observe folks acting like because Valentine’s Day is for romantic love, they aren’t allowed to do things lovers are doing – mostly going out. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do what you want to do, and if you want to go out, you can! Please do! And let me know how it goes.

Books I read in January

What Alice Forgot? By Liane Moriarty

I enjoy Liane Moriarty as a supplier of consistently enjoyable fiction that has enough twists to keep me intrigued but is also predictable enough to be an easy read after a long day. She is quintessential “before bed reading” for me. What Alice Forgot is look at a marriage from the perspective of the wife who has a head injury and wakes up having lost 10 years of her memory. Can you imagine losing 10 years in an instant? It was funny and poignant to view Alice’s life and marriage through her amnesia. If you are looking for a light read that incites more serious thought about what keeps a marriage together, I would recommend it.

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​Celebrities for Jesus: How Personas, Platforms, and Profits Are Hurting the Church by Katelyn Beaty

Beaty uses this book to ask some very good questions about why we are drawn to the religious leaders that we are, especially in light of recent, public falls from grace of several western religious leaders. I think Beaty is reasonably fair in her approach. She doesn’t aim to answer many questions, so don’t read this one if you require solutions. At the end, she quotes a book so well, that it will DEFINITELY be a book you see in this section later in the year. (Spoiler alert: It’s Middlemarch by George Eliot. I’d never read it before, picked it up after reading that quote and am THOROUGHLY enjoying it!)

(I love reading and think books are a fun way to get to know people.)

Things I’m looking Forward To in February
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My birthday! I’m thankful to be alive and doing the things I’m doing, so this birthday, I hope to have a full day of gratitude. My husband is cooking me something delicious. He’s a great cook, and the menu plan says beef birria tacos. It will be sure to delight the senses. And one of the items on my birthday list has arrived. I’ll be sure to show you!

My mom’s birthday! My mom has a milestone birthday this year, and I get to fly out to California and celebrate with her and my sister. I hope the woman to whom I owe so much enjoys that celebration my sister and I have planned for her.

Finishing up the outline of the next course to be added to DGA – Stages of Relationship. Understanding the general trajectory of romantic relationships and what each stage offers is SO helpful in feeling grounded in the dating process. I think it’s an important component to add to the living library of courses offered in the Dating Goals Academy membership. You can learn more about Dating Goals Academy and join by clicking here. For less than the cost of a latte a day, I provide three important things to help you find dating success and the love you long for – community, practical tools and teaching, and feedback on your specific situations. You would benefit so much if you joined today.

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As always, let me know what you think about this edition of the newsletter. What reminders were helpful? What did you disagree with completely? Or partially? And how can I help you date better? I can’t wait to hear from you at info@laurenmathues.com.

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Yours on the journey,

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Lauren

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